"Health and life insurance come from God"
Can you say "cannon fodder?" I had to write about it.
Item #1: I can only assume this is in reference and response to the recent media shit-storm circling around the health care reform debate (and by debate, of course, I mean Christian Conservatives bringing guns to town hall meetings). We can therefore make some basic assumptions regarding the individuals responsible for the marquee, namely that they (like so many of us) have no idea what the health care reform is for, why it is important, or who it will benefit. Instead of learning about these topics, and then disseminating the information to their parishioners in a helpful manner, the pastor(s) at said church decided to confuse and intentionally mislead their flock by discouraging curiosity and turning to a magic man in the clouds for answers. Welcome back to the Dark Ages, gang.
(A quick aside: Doesn't the word "flock" in reference to people make you want to retch? Seriously. How much more medieval and backwards could it get? Even if I were a believer, I would be grossly offended at the implication that I am a dim-witted and herd-able (albeit delicious) animal. It's demeaning at best and reviling at worst.)
Item #2: Health insurance comes from God. Well, then doesn't it make logical sense that God wouldn't allow his followers to get sick (in an effort to keep premiums down), or that if he goofed and let it happen, that he would fix the illness without hesitation? That's what health insurance is for, after all. Interestingly enough, most mainstream Christians will head straight to the doctor's office if they get a sniffle, or to the ER with a broken leg, or to chemotherapy with cancer. We all know where medical techniques and treatments come from -- it's not wizardry or alchemy -- it's SCIENCE. Christians are happy to promote the power of their God when it suits them, but 9.9 out of 10 of them will turn to science and technology and modern medicine when they need it. The truly ridiculous part of the process though, is when they credit God for the countless hours of hard work put in by everyone from the pharmaceutical lab to the nurse's station that actually cured them. It's irreverent, it's hypocritical, hell, it's downright un-Christian, don't you think? Of course, giving credit to God for things he has nothing to do with go back to the foundations of religion: eclipses, floods, disease, war, pestilence, the natural cycles of everything from drought to animal populations, ad nauseam. Any time the faithful don't understand something, even if someone else does, they are happy to credit God with all the work. If nothing else, that makes believers sound lazy as hell.
Item #3: Life insurance comes from God. Riiiiiiiiight. That would explain why burial money rains from heaven when a Christian kicks the bucket. Oh . . . wait. Maybe it would explain why God let's his believers die at all (I know, everlasting life in heaven and all that bullshit). Oh . . . wait. There are a few things about death and Christian belief that trouble me, and I will address them in a segment I like to call: Sub-Items!
Sub-Item A: Christians are, by and large, terrified of death. I like to think that it's because they are smart enough to doubt their faith when it really counts. But if you are doubtful of everlasting salvation and an endless bacon buffet in the clouds (at least that's what I would have) on your death-bed, why not the rest of the time? If heaven is only a comforting idea if you aren't about to go there, why believe in it at all? And if you don't believe in heaven, then why put the effort into believing in God?
Sub-Item B: Even if a few Christians really do believe in heaven on their death-beds, there's still the looming threat that they won't get in! Let's say (hypothetically) that the Bible is right from beginning to end. There is so much stuff in there that sends you straight to hell for an eternity of torture (and no bacon buffet, I'm assuming) that it's tough for even the most devout Christians to get into heaven. That being the case, it doesn't seem like the promise of heaven is even that comforting in the darkest hours, so why should it be comforting any other time? Of course the answer is that it's not, but religion has a monopoly on the whole "after-death" market, so it continues to work.
Item #3: If the marquee was meant to be taken literally (which I doubt, considering the far more likely circumstance that it is a thin veil for racism and fear-mongering among the "conservatives" in this country), then the pastor(s) responsible for it should be punished for endangering the lives of their parishioners by advocating "God's healing love" in place of medical treatment, considering the fact that it's far too expensive to pay cash for said medical treatment, and health insurance is really the only way to get it. Denying the reality of illness and death and promoting miracle healing, the casting out of demons, etc. should be relegated to late-night infomercials (right after the Dual Action colon cleanse spot and right before Girls Gone Wild: Sexy Drunk-Ass College Sluts (a cinematographic masterpiece, no doubt)), not preached (literally) to the ignorant and their innocent children who are dragged (kicking and screaming, I hope) to church every Sunday morning.
Let me put it this way: God healing your liver cancer is about as likely as Extenze actually making your dick bigger. God giving me money to bury my loved one's body is about as likely as (it pains me to say this, but I am excited for football season) the Broncos winning the Super Bowl this year. It ain't gonna happen.
(Here's where a) I get a little didactic, and b) Miranda criticizes me for starting a paragraph with a parenthetical.) The real trouble here is that Christians do one or a combination of several idiotic things. First, they live this life in preparation for the next (which most of them don't actually believe will happen). Second, they lie about how great the next life will be. Just because no one since Lazarus has come back to tell us about it (and he was forced to) doesn't mean it's better. In fact, it seems to me that Jesus' resurrection of Lazarus demonstrates the fear Christians have of death -- even Jesus didn't want him to die. Third, they constantly spout ridiculous dogma like "It's God's plan," or "he/she is in a better place now." I'm sure that's really comforting to the parents of a child who died of leukemia after a traumatic and painful struggle. Deep down (or not so deep down), you know what they really believe: My child's place is by my side. Fuck God's plan.
They're right.
Instead of worrying about what happens after we die (we rot in the ground and fertilize the grass), perhaps we can take a cue from the indelible Mark Twain: "Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry." Assuming, of course, that we have a sufficient policy to cover the burial costs. Personally, I want to be stuffed and mounted in the living room.
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